I've established a routine. It's been happening for a while; get up and spend an hour or so waking up and relaxing, work until 5-7 depending on what needs done, watch television/run errands, 11pm read then in bed by midnight. Of course, breaks, foods, etc all fit into that list. But it's routine. Everyday. I work from home. I work for myself. Sure, I have contractual obligations with my publisher. I have conventions that break the daily grind. But those are my days. It's healthy to be on a regular schedule. It's what grade school and high school prepared you for. I should like it. I should relish in the fact I know what's coming next. Being healthy is an important part of life.
I hate it.
I don't hate it, but I do. I hate the fact I feel like I'm old. Like, if I break the routine something bad will happen. So, instead of reading at 11 pm, (well, 10:50 because Mad Men finished at that time), I am here. Writing. Doing something to break the routine.
That and my mind is running at million miles an hour right now and I am not sure why. I can't concentrate. Even writing the previous few sentences is taking all my energy. Not in some draining, exhausting way. Just the thought of having to think of what to type next, each tap of the keyboard, spelling the words, proper punctuation, capitalization, and every other rule just seems so taxing on some molecular level.
It's not, though. I know it's not because I am still typing this nonsense into this blog. Maybe I am tired, but I'm not exhausted. I, for once, could not fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow and I pop my ear plugs in.
I write, I edit.
I think I got into my own head about tensing and, honestly, I think it is bothering me more than it should. I know the rules of grammar. I have studied them, and when reading, I know them. When writing, I know them. (I just ignore them because that's what edits are for) But I was doing a sample the other day and I got in my own head. It was annoying and I think it's been weighing on my mind more than I thought. Making me second guess everything I know I know.
Eh, what can I do? The more I think about it, the worse it gets. To say that it doesn't bother me is a lie. Perhaps, even though I've said to myself that I will learn from this, relax, be confident, and not overthink, I know I will overthink and get into my own head at some point again. But that's the thing about what it is that lives in my mind. I will repeat this craziness and until I can let go of this moment to move forward to let it eventually happen again, I will just be stuck.
Fine. I'll let go. Move forward. Keep doing what I know I do well and be okay with the fact I am fallible. (I have said on a few occasions that I am not.) I am. I do not like it. No one does. (No one likes being fallible, not that no one likes that I'm fallible. Though, I'm sure there are those who wish me infallible) I came. I wrote. I ranted. And now, I will relax for the first time today. At 11:09 p.m.
(I am not sending this to my editor. I am just hitting publish with no line editing. Mistakes be damned!)
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